not a good joke

If that was intended for a joke well i say it doesn't made me laugh.

I really hate doubting someone coz it would just brought me into a deep confusion. I hate it!
I don't know what exactly i'm feeling right now.
All i know is that I'M NOT HAPPY.

(an hour before i felt unhappiness because of FS but i don't want to talk about it)

I asked him a question a while ago. It's not a big deal kind of question i guess because I just want to know the answer coming straight from him. I asked him how did he find our new relationship and he answered back and says it was sweet and powerful but i guess it wasn't like that anymore. Things change since the day I prefer to changed for the better. I don't want to hear myself saying that i don't feel the sweetness anymore or even the prevailing love he always trying to prove me but that's what i feel right now and then. After hearing his voice over the phone, unconsciously, a single tear fell from my eyes and there's a pain i felt inside. How i wish i could tell him what i am feeling right now but i don't have enough strength to have this kind of talk again because i know it will cost our relationship again so better not to speak. I'm so tired of arguing over the same thing. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to hurt myself either. I'm afraid of commitments because i might fail the expectectation of others. And because of this i come up into a decision or should i say into a realization that i should stand for. This would only happen in a certain time after i fix what i have messed.